The Diary of an Ambivalent Mystic-- A Short Background

 

"Cynthia"  is associated with a Greek moon goddess and means "reflector of light.

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"The Diary of an Ambivalent Mystic: The First Thirty Days" tells the story of my immersion into metaphysical experiences and spiritual channeling, highlighted by messages from "I Am."*   

Each channeled message was addressed to "Cynthia," my birth name, which I seldom use among friends, but its meaning became significant as I learned that the messages of unity and love were not just for me.  I was to "broadcast."

Let me be clear: I am not extraordinary because I have had spiritual experiences. Many humans, from scientists to academics to monks, have also encountered spiritual awakenings or a oneness with the universe. Some are reluctant to share, and others arrive at a stage when they can no longer keep silent.  I'm at that stage and will fulfill my pledge to reflect the light throughout this blog and in my upcoming books.

A Mountaintop Experience

My first awe-inspiring episode was an illuminating mountaintop experience during a women's Christian retreat in 1986—almost fourteen years before the channeling. My attempts to describe that transcendental moment fall short. Words are often inadequate. 

At 32, I walked out of a cabin and entered an all-encompassing light, submerging me into an energy field of "oneness" with nature, the sun, and the Arizona mountain air. I likened it to Moses's burning bush—everything in the forest was consumed with a glowing light, a sacred light harboring a LOVE so powerful that my fear of death faded away. The experience lasted about thirty minutes, but it was a pivotal moment in my spiritual life. (See an upcoming post on this experience.)   

Abandoning Scriptural Blueprints

After the retreat, my Bible studies focused on verses of enlightenment, transcendence, and love. A search for scriptural blueprints that could dictate my every move no longer interested me. After bathing in that loving light on the mountain, I banished from my mind  Biblical stories of a wrathful vengeance-seeking god, violent stories such as God turning a woman into a pillar of salt because she looked back at the burning city God had just incinerated, and God's hand in filling the earth with a catastrophic flood that killed every living being that didn't enter the ark--even children and animals. 

I was skeptical of terrifying Bible stories because they did not reveal God as a god of love. I knew God existed in some form, but I could not accept Christian dogma placing God on a throne as a judge who damns people to hell.   Although my liberal church did not preach damnation, fire, and brimstone, I stopped reciting the universal creeds during the services.

I declared myself an agnostic who embraced "God" as a mysterious presence within all things in our universe.  But even that label seemed off.  Sometimes, I wondered if that one spiritual, mountaintop event spawned a mystic. I didn't retreat to a cave or become a nun meditating all day, but a mystic can also be a seeker of the divine. 

I opened my mind to other religions and practices—not to adopt one way of thinking but to explore world spirituality. I read teachings from Native Americans, Buddhists, Muslims, and scientists like Einstein.  

Spiritual Awakening through Physical Healing

In 2001, six months before the 9/11 terrorist bombings, I became ill from molds and toxins in my work environment. I lost thirty pounds and could no longer teach or read.  I used a cane for support because my legs would suddenly give out as I walked across campus. I resigned from my teaching position mid-semester, and a year later, I was granted disability status.  I rested, meditated, and took notes as a spiritual energy began to heal my body and gradually open my senses to mysterious channeling episodes. 

Spirit Writing

I was fascinated with unbidden channeling, which I called "spirit writing," and yet I was reluctant to acknowledge it to others.  Was it real?  I learned that I was to "broadcast" the messages.  But how?  Write a book?  Who would believe it?   I never heard of a blog in 2002, and publishing sounded exhausting . . . and scary.

The urge to share my story and the messages never left me, but I constantly deflected. I'm too unremarkable, I protested. Maybe I'm crazy, I thought. Therapist after therapist disagreed. They were interested in the writings and encouraged me to continue. 

From the beginning of my daily experiences, I was a healthy sceptic, using my logic to question what was happening to me.  As a devoted Christian woman, I had been educated to not believe in anything supernatural, even though the Bible contains many mystical stories, such as Jesus's transfiguration.** 

I remained ambivalent about my experiences for nearly two decades, yet I produced multiple binders of "spirit writing."  I continued to question my role and ask for more signs. Those signs appeared through serendipitous events and the writings of mystics—Paul, Teresa of Avila, Francis of Assisi, Rumi, Buddha, Black Elk, and others. 

A Part-Time Mystic

After reading about other mystics' experiences, I recognized a few similarities.  But the stories that were most compelling were those of common men, women, and children who encountered the universe's connection with humanity through dreams, visions, channelings, and near-death experiences.

I could no longer use the excuse that I was too ordinary.  Even the "Saintly" mystics who soared into a divine mystery were also tethered to their humanity, with egos and weaknesses.  I came to an agreement with myself and the divine.  I can be both--a part-time messenger/ mystic and a human with flaws.

Global Unity Teachings

Divine messages are increasing across the globe:  teachings of unity consciousness, oneness, interconnectedness, unconditional love, and spirit selves. Jesuit priest, scientist, and mystic Pierre Teilhard de Chardin reminds us:

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience."  

Many past and present mystics can guide you toward the unconditional love found in unity consciousness. Maybe one unforgettable teaching or supernatural event--it doesn't have to be a mountaintop experience--will awaken you to mysticism. 

Don't be afraid.  Step into mysticism and find a universal energy transcending time and space.  It is real.

The spirit in me honors the spirit in you,

     Cynthia

* I AM-—the preferred name of the Hebrew God in Exodus 3:14.

** Biblical examples of mystical union, 

Moon Image by Joe from Pixabay

Feel free to comment on this post. I would also love to hear about your dreams and metaphysical experiences! Please contact me if you would like to receive email updates or a consultation.