The Diary of an Ambivalent Mystic-- A Short Background

 

"Cynthia"  is associated with a Greek moon goddess and means "reflector of light.

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"The Diary of an Ambivalent Mystic: The First Thirty Days" tells the story of my immersion into metaphysical experiences and spiritual channeling, highlighted by messages from "I Am."*   

Each channeled message was addressed to "Cynthia," my birth name, which I seldom use among friends, but its meaning became significant as I learned that the messages of unity and love were not just for me.  I was to "broadcast."

Let me be clear: I am not extraordinary because I have had spiritual experiences. Many humans, from scientists to academics to monks, have also encountered spiritual awakenings or a oneness with the universe. Some are reluctant to share, and others arrive at a stage when they can no longer keep silent.  I'm at that stage and will fulfill my pledge to reflect the light throughout this blog and in my upcoming books.

A Mountaintop Experience

My first awe-inspiring episode was an illuminating mountaintop experience during a women's Christian retreat in 1986—almost fourteen years before the channeling. My attempts to describe that transcendental moment fall short. Words are often inadequate. 

At 32, I walked out of a cabin and entered an all-encompassing light, submerging me into an energy field of "oneness" with nature, the sun, and the Arizona mountain air. I likened it to Moses's burning bush—everything in the forest was consumed with a glowing light, a sacred light harboring a LOVE so powerful that my fear of death faded away. The experience lasted about thirty minutes, but it was a pivotal moment in my spiritual life. (See an upcoming post on this experience.)   

Abandoning Scriptural Blueprints

After the retreat, my Bible studies focused on verses of enlightenment, transcendence, and love. A search for scriptural blueprints that could dictate my every move no longer interested me. After bathing in that loving light on the mountain, I banished from my mind  Biblical stories of a wrathful vengeance-seeking god, violent stories such as God turning a woman into a pillar of salt because she looked back at the burning city God had just incinerated, and God's hand in filling the earth with a catastrophic flood that killed every living being that didn't enter the ark--even children and animals. 

I was skeptical of terrifying Bible stories because they did not reveal God as a god of love. I knew God existed in some form, but I could not accept Christian dogma placing God on a throne as a judge who damns people to hell.   Although my liberal church did not preach damnation, fire, and brimstone, I stopped reciting the universal creeds during the services.

I declared myself an agnostic who embraced "God" as a mysterious presence within all things in our universe.  But even that label seemed off.  Sometimes, I wondered if that one spiritual, mountaintop event spawned a mystic. I didn't retreat to a cave or become a nun meditating all day, but a mystic can also be a seeker of the divine. 

I opened my mind to other religions and practices—not to adopt one way of thinking but to explore world spirituality. I read teachings from Native Americans, Buddhists, Muslims, and scientists like Einstein.  

Spiritual Awakening through Physical Healing

In 2001, six months before the 9/11 terrorist bombings, I became ill from molds and toxins in my work environment. I lost thirty pounds and could no longer teach or read.  I used a cane for support because my legs would suddenly give out as I walked across campus. I resigned from my teaching position mid-semester, and a year later, I was granted disability status.  I rested, meditated, and took notes as a spiritual energy began to heal my body and gradually open my senses to mysterious channeling episodes. 

Spirit Writing

I was fascinated with unbidden channeling, which I called "spirit writing," and yet I was reluctant to acknowledge it to others.  Was it real?  I learned that I was to "broadcast" the messages.  But how?  Write a book?  Who would believe it?   I never heard of a blog in 2002, and publishing sounded exhausting . . . and scary.

The urge to share my story and the messages never left me, but I constantly deflected. I'm too unremarkable, I protested. Maybe I'm crazy, I thought. Therapist after therapist disagreed. They were interested in the writings and encouraged me to continue. 

From the beginning of my daily experiences, I was a healthy sceptic, using my logic to question what was happening to me.  As a devoted Christian woman, I had been educated to not believe in anything supernatural, even though the Bible contains many mystical stories, such as Jesus's transfiguration.** 

I remained ambivalent about my experiences for nearly two decades, yet I produced multiple binders of "spirit writing."  I continued to question my role and ask for more signs. Those signs appeared through serendipitous events and the writings of mystics—Paul, Teresa of Avila, Francis of Assisi, Rumi, Buddha, Black Elk, and others. 

A Part-Time Mystic

After reading about other mystics' experiences, I recognized a few similarities.  But the stories that were most compelling were those of common men, women, and children who encountered the universe's connection with humanity through dreams, visions, channelings, and near-death experiences.

I could no longer use the excuse that I was too ordinary.  Even the "Saintly" mystics who soared into a divine mystery were also tethered to their humanity, with egos and weaknesses.  I came to an agreement with myself and the divine.  I can be both--a part-time messenger/ mystic and a human with flaws.

Global Unity Teachings

Divine messages are increasing across the globe:  teachings of unity consciousness, oneness, interconnectedness, unconditional love, and spirit selves. Jesuit priest, scientist, and mystic Pierre Teilhard de Chardin reminds us:

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience."  

Many past and present mystics can guide you toward the unconditional love found in unity consciousness. Maybe one unforgettable teaching or supernatural event--it doesn't have to be a mountaintop experience--will awaken you to mysticism. 

Don't be afraid.  Step into mysticism and find a universal energy transcending time and space.  It is real.

The spirit in me honors the spirit in you,

     Cynthia

* I AM-—the preferred name of the Hebrew God in Exodus 3:14.

** Biblical examples of mystical union, 

Moon Image by Joe from Pixabay

Feel free to comment on this post. I would also love to hear about your dreams and metaphysical experiences! Please contact me if you would like to receive email updates or a consultation.

"The Dark Cellar," A Childhood Prophetic Dream

 

I experienced one of my life's most profound, prophetic dreams when I was five. 

In 1960, my family lived in a two-story house—vintage 1900—in a small town with about 250 residents. The house had no basement, but ten steps out the back door was a grass-covered mound with a door. If Mother had canned vegetables and fruits, she would have lifted the heavy wooden door and carried the canned goods down the steps to a dark, dank cellar. It was also the underground structure we ran to for cover if a tornado had been spotted on the edge of town.

My sister and I played atop the grassy cellar mound, running down the slope chasing butterflies and lightning bugs. I don't remember seeing the cavern beneath the mound except when I walked into the cool, subterranean darkness via an unusually vivid dream.

The Dark Cellar Dream

In my dream, I held hands with a babysitter as we walked down the cracked and crumbly stairs between the cellar's mud-packed walls.  I remember an earthy scent. Ahead of us was a dark, black pit that seemed bottomless. I was frightened, as each step took us closer to the unknown.  

When we reached the bottom, light from a second staircase illuminated a round drain with holes in the lid, typical of a 1950s shower drain.  The well-lit stairs on the other side of the drain rose toward a bright opening. The steps looked strong, unblemished, and were encrusted with sparkling gemstones--rubies, diamonds, emeralds, and sapphires.  The babysitter gently urged me to hop over the drain and go up the bejeweled steps alone.  

I glided up the stairs, over the gems, and emerged into a sunny day. I marveled at the deep blue sky and fluffy white clouds slowly floating toward me. I sensed the presence of God  as I stepped into another unknown.

Interpretations 

I have adopted various interpretations of the dream for decades.  Although I didn't write it down in a dream journal when I was five, I often recited the details of my dream to myself and others.    I realized this dream was spiritual and similar to my previous comforting dream of "Jesus" sailing away with the beasts of my nightmares.

By the time I was a teenager, I assumed the cellar dream was prophetic and that I would suffer through a painful life before finding joy. Would I lose a child? Or become homeless? Or perhaps sustain a catastrophic injury?  

Except for an extended illness from which I have mostly recovered, there were no disasters in the first seven decades of my life. No periods of despair or depression. Even during health challenges, I was content because I had been touched by a healing love.  (See Label: Diary of an Ambivalent Mystic.)

As I grew more open to spiritual experiences, such as past-life regression and Jewish, Christian, and Islamic mystical writings, I adopted a new interpretation saturated with symbolism:

The mud-packed, earthy cellar walls remind me that I was made from clay (Genesis 2:7).   The crumbling steps warn us that we are entering a fragile situation, but I trust the one who holds my hand, a babysitter representing a spirit guide (or angel) of newborns. ("Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..." Jeremiah 1:5.)  

The cellar is like a dark womb.  As we stand on the  floor of the cellar, my guide urges me to cross over a shower drain, where most memories of my past lives will "go down the drain."  A second staircase embedded with gemstones rises up to a bright opening.  The jewels are gifts to the newborn, Cynthia, if she chooses to accept them:

• "the connection between heaven and earth, balance and regeneration, rebirth and transitions" (Diamonds)
•  "vitality, courage, protection from negative energies" (Rubies)
• "Rebirth" (Emeralds)
• "Wisdom, truth"  (Sapphires)**

The bright day peeking through the top of the second staircase signifies my new home (Earth), where God's presence will be felt rather than seen as a king in the clouds. 

Dreams can stay with us throughout our lifetime. Some are personal, and others have universal meanings that might be the key to unlocking questions about our spiritual lives.  

May your dreams comfort you,

Cynthia 

Basement Cellar Image by Thomas Wolter from Pixabay

 

* I will share my past-lives regression session in a future post.

**Find the meaning of universal symbols on Online Sources, such as the Dream Dictionary   

Feel free to comment on this post. I would also love to hear about your dreams and metaphysical experiences! Please contact me if you would like to receive email updates or a consultation.

Interpretations of Dreams--from the Bizarre to the Profound

 

"The world will be saved and remade by the dreamers."  

Have you ever awakened from a strange dream and wondered, "Where did that come from?" Somehow, amid the darkness of night, your logical brain produced a jumbled plot filled with peculiar characters and zany images that would rival a carnival house of mirrors.  

Bizarre dreams can horrify, mystify, or perplex.  Sometimes they provoke us to act on a problem, create a masterpiece, or laugh out loud.

At breakfast the other day, my husband remarked that he had dreamed something "really weird." I perked up from my pre-caffeine morning sleepiness.  His dreams are often nonsensical and silly, and after a stressful week, I was eager to revel in a humorous story.   

He dreamed that he walked down a flight of stairs to find that the basement of his childhood home had been beautifully redecorated with new furniture and brightly painted walls.  Lying on a plush rug, his deceased mother looked up at him with a loving, contented smile. Nice image, except that her entire body was wrapped in a large soft tortilla, like a burrito, with only her sweet face exposed. We both laughed.

"What did THAT mean?" he asked.

"Well,'  I said, giggling, "You love Mexican food and you love your mother, but I'll let you figure that one out."   

Maybe his sweet mother's spirit just wanted to hear us laugh.   

I forget most of my dreams, especially the nonsensical, fleeting ones, but the more drawn-out, vivid dreams have proven prophetic and significant. At least three childhood dreams were so profound that I remember them sixty years later.    

Early on, I understood the significance and power of dreams from Biblical stories in a Golden Book my mother read to me.   I was in awe of Joseph's prophetic dreams when he was a young teen wearing a coat of many colors and marveled at his bold interpretations of Pharaoh's dreams as an enslaved man.  Joseph predicted famine throughout Egypt after recognizing metaphors and symbols in the ruler's dreams, predictions that compelled the Egyptians to store enough food to save hundreds of lives. Joseph's dream stories saved his world from destruction and transformed him into a compassionate and merciful leader.  Are dreams as powerful and prophetic today?

I believe so. They have given me insights and wisdom and have symbolically predicted the future. Growing up, I didn't understand the universality of symbols and metaphors until I took my first literature class in high school.

As a teen, I encountered the typical, anxiety-ridden dreams of walking through high school halls in my underwear, forgetting to go to class until finals, or fleeing from a tornado or predator by flying up into the sky.  One night (in my thirties), my child and I dreamed the exact same dream about terrorists invading our home.  We compared notes and details--everything matched. Although we didn't think about symbols, the joint experience was unforgettable.   We marveled at an interconnectedness that puzzled us. 

Then, during a debilitating illness that began in 2001, I started having spiritual experiences and vivid dreams. They seemed meaningful and I wrote them down upon waking. To guide me through my interpretations, I listened to books on tape (I could not read then), focusing on Christian mysticism, symbols, and archetypes.

The Power of  Symbols and Archetypes in Dreams

As a lifelong reader of literature, poetry, and drama, I value metaphors and archetypes in stories and dreams.  Dreams laden with symbols can help us solve problems and ignite our creativity; reveal goals, intentions, and insights; and illuminate what is blocking us from understanding our spiritual selves.  

Psychologists claim that we are the best authority for personal dream interpretation, but websites featuring universal archetypes and symbols can also be helpful.  As you read the recounts and interpretations of my dreams, you might wonder how I remember so many details.  

Like other serious dreamers, I keep a notebook beside my bed and quickly write down the entire dream as soon as I wake up.  I fill in the blanks when specific details come to mind throughout the day.  I have left a basket of half-folded laundry sitting on the counter while I dash to my office to add thoughts and insights to my notes.

Years later, when I read about a dream in my spiritual journal, I see flashes of images in my mind's eye.*  Sometimes, I add to the interpretation because I have new insights as I age into wisdom.  

Please read accounts of my dreams and their universal interpretations under the Label "Dreams."  Feel free to share your dreams in the comment section on this post or contact me.

This blog has been blessed by your presence,

Cynthia

* I have aphantasia, an inability to "see" objects in my mind.  Tell me to think of a rose, and I see a quick flash, and then it's gone.  I can imagine how a rose looks, with soft curling petals, but the image is fleeting.  On the other hand, images freely take residence in my mind when I'm dreaming or have a waking vision.  

• Image of Dream Catcher by Orange Fox from Pixabay
• "The world will be saved and remade by the dreamers" is attributed to Aelin from Sarah J. Maas's Throne of Glass series, specifically in the book "Empire of Storms."

This blog post also appears in Elders Speaking.

Feel free to comment on this post. I would also love to hear about your dreams and metaphysical experiences! Please contact me if you would like to receive email updates or a consultation.

My Childhood Dreams of Terror and Comfort

 

In 1957, I lived in a basement apartment with my family of four. After my parents tucked me in for the night and turned off the lights, my bedroom was so dark that I couldn't see my hand if I held it inches from my face, which became a problem after I went to the zoo one day. 

For over a year, I had recurring nightmares of carnivorous beasts, mostly bears, wolves, and lions, lunging at me and baring their fangs. A line from my bedtime prayer-- "If I should die before I wake"-- did nothing to ease my fears.

Mother began leaving on the hall light and cracked the bedroom door open so that a sliver of light fell on my pillow. It didn't chase the nightmares away, but the light allowed me to see I was safe at home in my bed.  

The recurring animal nightmares lasted several months, and then my dream life took a turn.

After we moved out of the basement, we visited my grandparents' home, which was bright and comforting, with pictures of Jesus on the walls and Bibles on nightstands. After we arrived, I napped in a guestroom and dreamed I was on a boat, drifting on a placid sea at sunset.  Behind me on the boat's deck, the bears, wolves, and lions of my nightmares stood alert yet calm, as a large sailboat floated toward us.  A man in a white robe stood at the port side of the boat with his arms raised, and when the boats nearly touched,  a plank linked the two vessels.  

The beasts immediately crossed the plank and joined the man in the sailboat.  Soon they sailed toward the setting sun, leaving me behind.  I never had another terrifying animal dream.  

I didn't need a dream dictionary to tell me that the second dream signified that my young life was moving in a new, hopeful direction that included a spacious house and a bedroom with windows. I always thought the rescuer was Jesus, whom I could rely on to protect, comfort, and love me.  

The Boat Dream is Still "Amazing"

Decades later, the boat dream still held its power.  One evening, while I was babysitting, my five-year-old grandson fought going to bed.  He said that he was having nightmares.  When I recounted the dreams of my early childhood, ending with the terrible beasts disappearing in the sunset, he instantly relaxed, looked at me with his big blue eyes, and said that the dream of Jesus taking the animals away was "amazing."  He looked sleepy and calm as he lay his head on the pillow, hugging his plush lion.

Paying Attention to Childhood Nightmares

Childhood nightmares are common in young children; however, experts caution that if nightmares become too frequent, they can result in sleep anxiety and deprive children (and parents) of sleep.* The nightmares I had in 1957 likely contributed to a lifetime of spontaneous waking up through the night.  However, I also have reassuring memories of the second dream, which reminds me that God sends messengers to comfort me.  

If dreams and their interpretations interest you, find more under the Label "Dreams." 

I am grateful for your presence,

Cynthia

• Wolf image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay
• Boat image by Asmodeus94 from Pixabay

*Talk to a pediatrician if you are concerned about your child's dreams.

Feel free to comment on this post. I would also love to hear about your dreams and metaphysical experiences! Please contact me if you would like to receive email updates or a consultation.